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01 June 2009 @ 12:47 am
You'll Learn To Love The Stains - Sam,Dean - PG-13 - [1/1]  
Title: You'll Learn To Love The Stains
Author: force_oblique
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG-13 for blood imagery, nothing Graphic
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Sam-centric, Dean, hints of Dean/Sam, but not Wincest, unless you have a dirty mind! lol
Spoilers/Warnings:Set after the s4 finale....Lucifer is out and it is Sam's fault..so where does that leave the brothers?

Summary: “And how do you want to die, Dean? Crying? Hating me?” his words come out broken down into consonants and vowels.
If he didn’t know any better he’d say that what comes out of his mouth isn’t words at all, it is his soul fragmented, shattered like a mirror and he spits it out piece by piece, for he has no use for it anymore if Dean doesn't believe in him.

Word Count: 2892
-Author's Notes: Since my girly, Kiki, was sad over the whole J2 panel talk, I thought she needed some brotherly love with tiny hints of Dean/Sam
~ English is not my native language, so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!

Dedication:[x]
[1] Kiki kros_21 Ily hunny, thanks so much for being there for me always!
[2] Sam egotists Sam you are awesome and I am glad I got to know you. i know i am nowhere near as good at this as you are, but I gave it a shot




Crossposted at: spn_brotherlove,hurt_sam, , sam_support, spn_gen, dean_sam, moon_hunters, daysofthereaper sn_fic,spn_fics, sam_dean


YOU WILL LEARN TO LOVE THE STAINS - 1/1

They say exhaling slowly can help you feel better.
Calm yourself down.
Freeze your personal demons and fears in place, for you to deal with them.

Then, maybe, if you blink, when you open up your eyes again… they won’t be there anymore.

That’s what they say.
But Sam Winchester doubts they were talking about his case.
Because he is unique and his inner demons are just as powerful as the outside ones and twice as scary.

He can blink and blink, but no change will occur.

It’s been days- maybe weeks, but sometimes it feels like centuries have dragged on since it happened.
Lucifer is out and so is everything they had been keeping from each other all this time.

And like a sky painted black, time stretches, looming over them.

Dean doesn’t look at him anymore, not in the eyes, not like he used to and it feels like a torrent has buried him underneath its gush and he is just there on the bottom of the ocean unable to move or breathe.

There’s a chill he can’t quite put his finger on, but it’s there and it makes him twitch.

It feels like tiny pins are pressing against him, not hard enough to bleed him, but they do hurt.
They share the same motel room, Dean and him, like they did in the past, as if nothing has happened, not to them, not to the world, but they can both feel it.
Everything‘s changed.
The way Sam moves, the way he carries himself around.

Huge and imposing and somehow not entirely or solely human, anymore.

There’s confidence and assurance where there was none and somehow, when someone looks at him in the eye, he hurries to look away.

Strange, Sam had thought. Every time he looks in the mirror, he looks the same.

No blackness in his eyes. No trace of what he is responsible for.
No trace evident on him, anyways.

He thought that maybe that would have been enough for him to move and wander invisible among them.
Among people.

He wishes he could hide in the crowd, follow a group of people, so closely and absolutely that no one would be able to tell him apart from the one next to him.
A nameless person in the street. A forgettable face.

No one knows. No one should know what he did, what he was once able to do.

Sam feels changed, but he doesn’t want to test himself now.

He doesn’t want to stretch out his hand to move or destroy anything. In a sense there is nothing left to destroy.

Everything inside him has crumbled and soon he is afraid the world will be in ruins, as Lucifer will start wreaking havoc from one side of the world to the other.

Funny, he didn’t think the apocalypse would come in his lifetime.
But he was wrong.
He guessed he was wrong about many things.
Some important, some not.


Maybe that is why Dean doesn’t look at him anymore, not in the eyes, not like he used to. He has tried so many times to reach out to him, but the door was closed.

He wasn’t left out in the cold- not quite, but he was left stuck in an endless waiting game somewhere between the gate to his soul and the inside of his brother’s heart.

And it was more than he could take.

Dean doesn’t flinch, doesn’t recoil, but he doesn’t reciprocate the touch like he used to.

When Sam presses his lips against his forehead, he stiffens, but he is still warm and strong and smells like home and gunpowder and sweat and it makes Sam want to cry because he finds it difficult to get used to not being close to him.
Not being able to put his head on his brother’s shoulder, or against his chest letting his calm heartbeat soothe his suffering and lull his nightmares to sleep.


Instead, he has to move away when he grabs hold of his brother body as if it were the last thing standing in an earthquake that has shattered everything, for fear Dean might push him away.

Dean doesn’t smell like Sam anymore, for he hasn’t allowed Sam to touch him, not in weeks. Not since Lucifer is out.

And sometimes Sam can’t see himself in Dean’s eyes any longer and it scares him.

It makes him feel detached and misplaced.

Like gravity is working backwards and instead of weighing him down, it’s repelling him, making him soar in the air like a rejected organ transplant from the earth’s bosom.

Could it be that the earth itself doesn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore, that she is ostracizing him?

Sam instinctively wraps his arms around his shivering body and stays there, motionless, waiting for the seizure to run its course.

He tries to assure himself that he hasn’t changed.
He is not far from human, he is normal like he is supposed to be, but he doesn’t recognize the smell that enters his nostrils, not like his own or anybody else’s.

Sam gradually realizes that he doesn’t know what he smells like anymore and Dean doesn’t tell him.

He is afraid than one of these days he will approach Dean again, his face trying to lean in, inhale his scent and he won’t recognize his brother, either.

That everything will seem alien and foreign to him.
Then, he gathers, he will really be lost and he doesn’t want that to happen.


***********************


Longing builds up inside of him like a storm in the making, where you can see the clouds gathering up in the sky but they move too slowly to frighten you, too lightly for you to be alarmed.

But the sky darkens and soon you have a bitter and moist taste in your mouth, like tears from the sky have seeped into your mouth, without you knowing it.

He shouldn’t be frightened. It will all be over soon and at least this time he won’t die alone. But he is frightened.

He is afraid that whatever is building up inside him, will become this unspeakable urge, one he will not be able to contain and it will be unleashed in a way that will divide him from Dean forever.

Even after death.

He knows he has to say something. Even if he doesn’t find the right way or the appropriate words, Dean should be able to feel him, understand him.


So, when Dean goes to get some food, he sits on the bed and puts his face in his hands. These hands of his that have been the cause of too much pain and misery.

He wants to snap his fingers and turn back time. Why can’t he?

If he is a demon, why can’t he? Why can’t he have some real power, a power meant to be good for him instead of bad for the others?

If there’s still demon blood inside of him, why can’t he make his world paradise?
Even demons view their hell as paradise…

Why can’t he do the same?

His eyes remain locked on a spot on the floor. There’s nothing strange about it.

Nothing but the resonance of grace, where Dean stood for a few seconds before leaving and gave him a look, one he couldn’t decipher.

Does his brother have things he just can’t seem to be able to utter, too?

Does he know he radiates warmth and emits light?
Does he realize just how better than him he is, despite everything?

They are both tainted, but only one of them has really earned absolution. And it’s not Sam.


*****************************


By the time Dean comes back, Sam has already put the twin beds together.

Beers in hand, a paper bag tucked underneath his armpit, Dean says nothing but leaves out a sigh, which Sam doesn’t know if he should interpret as exasperation or discomfort.

He doesn’t know if he is supposed to interpret it, at all.

He looks up at Dean with wishful, expectant eyes and slowly stands up from the edge of the bed not knowing what to do with his hands, so they hang at his sides like broken wings of a bird that has forgotten how to fly.

Dean just turns his back on him as he puts the bag and beers on the table, serving as their dining table.

It takes him a little longer than usual to put everything on the wooden surface and he even puts the cans in line according to their expiration date.

Sam just scoffs, because he knows that it doesn’t matter anymore.
They won’t be alive by the time the food goes bad.

He feels the silence around them like a plastic wrap meant to distort and blind and he cant help going desperate.

“Dean” he says, putting all of his frustration and disappointment in it. “Why won’t you look at me?” his directness surprises him and he lowers his eyes to see his left hand twisted into a fist. He is quick to put it in his pocket, still shaking.

“Why can’t we just...” he begins again, louder this time.

“You know why!” Was his brother’s abrupt reply and it feels like a kick in the groin.

Sam had so much he wanted to say but he keeps silent and his chest has swollen with pent up emotion and longing and love unexpressed.

“I said I am sorry. Ok? I never wanted to…” He tries to rationalize it.

If he says it out loud maybe some of its horrible weight will scatter in the air, but the air is already heavy with denial and bitterness.

“Maybe you didn’t want to, but it happened and now we are screwed.
It’s a miracle we are still alive.”
Dean moans, but he still won’t look at him.

Not even now that his words sting like wasps.

Not even to enjoy his handiwork and see Sam’s broken face.

Sam didn’t expect better.
He likes to think he is done deluding himself.

He takes things as they are and doesn’t search for gold on the other end of a rainbow that won’t appear anymore.

“Yes, a miracle!” Sam stresses, his breathing peaking up pace, like the feet of a soldier running towards an aircraft which will fly him away of the minefield he’s been condemned to tread on.


“So, aren’t you grateful?” he is surprised his voice is still steady.

Is it just human despair and indignation or is it demonic indifference?

“So, shouldn’t we spend all of our time together like we used to? Shouldn’t we try to patch things up?”


Dean just scoffs, his green eyes burning into his brother’s gaze as he turns around to face him.

If Sam’s words have had any effect, it is not evident; not on his face, but maybe, just maybe his mouth quivered the tiniest bit and that’s why he is fast to glue his eyes on the wooden floor underneath his soles.

“We are about to die, Sam”

“The Devil is out there and it’s a matter of time before the end begins. Fires, diseases, violence outbreaks. You think it’s accidental?”

No accusation in his voice, just defeat and something construed as impatience.

Dean is talking to him as if he is talking to a little child.
Was reducing him to a toddler in his mind his way of coping with what he had done?

If Sam is a child, then he can’t be held accountable for his actions…

Only he should, he is and he knows that Dean is one minute away from exploding.

But Sam won’t give up just yet.

“And how do you want to die, Dean? Brooding? Crying? Hiding? Is this is what you want?” his words come out broken down into consonants and vowels.

If he didn’t know any better he’d say that what comes out of his mouth isn’t words at all, it is his soul fragmented, shattered like a mirror and he spits it out piece by piece, for he has no use for it anymore, if Dean doesn't believe in him.

“How do you want to spend your final moments? Hating me?”

“I DON’T HATE YOU” is Dean’s reply and God it sounds sincere and he sounds angry and disgusted, as if Sam has just uttered the most unthinkable thing in the world.

Sam wants to yell back but he holds back, hope lingering in his heart, twisting and turning like a serpent inside him.

“No? Well you could have fooled me!” he points out.

“Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like you love me anymore. You barely look at me. I touch you and you freeze” he mouths and the chill returns to him, as if by merely speaking out the words, they become true again.

He stops to breathe and he is almost disheartened that Dean doesn’t interrupt him to deny it, to prove him wrong.

“Do you even know how many sentences you have spoken to me since the day Lucifer broke out? 14! 14 sentences mostly consisting of words like "yes", "no" and ‘I’m going out’”
“Sure you talk to me when Castiel or Bobby is here, but when we are alone, nothing…”

Dean rolls his eyes and then he clears his throat with an annoyed look on his face, but still he remains silent.


“You don’t talk to me anymore, Dean. You talk at me. Like I am a pet! Well, I am not a pet. I am Sam, your brother, standing here in front of you” he starts taking a step to the centre of the room, closer to Dean “And I still love you even though you don’t!”


“I see you” Dean interrupts him, his voice shaking. “I see you, Sam. Always. I don’t hate you!” he says and his hand awkwardly strokes his hair.

“Everything I have done, has been for you! Don’t you see? Not for me, not for dad and certainly not for Castiel. .. You.”

“I went through hell for you, Sam and you may not believe it- I don’t even believe it myself- but I’d do it again, because you are worth it”

Words came out like a thunder, washing around Sam and though it was sudden, it wasn’t unexpected.
He always believed his brother loved him. But sometimes he needed to be shown that, too.

Something cringes inside his chest and Sam is certain it is the pain and the heartache he kept feeling all this time, shrinking and fading within him.


“And it killed me, Sam. How you didn’t think you were worthy. How you fell prey to Ruby and her lies. Couldn’t you just hold faith? Don’t you know there’s nothing we can’t accomplish together? We are a team, you and me” Dean concludes and his hand leaves his hair to point at the two of them.

“And now…” he trails off “Every time I look at you, I see it. I know you are trying, but I can still smell it on you. The sulfur and the hatred… The hate…”

“Not for you. The hate’s not for you” Sam hurries to correct him. Reassure him…
“If for anyone, it is for myself…” he admits, his own eyes now avoiding looking at his brother.

“I know.. I know” Dean admits softly “But, you couldn’t stop it, could you? You took it all the way and now Lucifer is out” he stresses, his voice as heavy as a tombstone.

“I can’t change that now, Dean” Sam pleads, exasperation in his eyes, which were already brimming with tears.

“No, you can’t” his brother concedes, but offers no alternative, no forgiveness and not the absolution that Sam desperately needs.

“But, I can change the way you think of me!” Sam exclaims and it feels like he is grasping at straws.

He doesn’t know, he can’t guess how much his brother wants to hug him right now. How much he needs to pull him in his embrace, feel his warmth, and smell the back of his neck as he strokes it with his hands.

He doesn’t know how hard it is for Dean as well, this distance, this awkwardness.
He doesn’t know.


“Sam…” Dean protests feebly.

“Look at me, Dean” Sam says taking his knife out of his pocket. "Just, look at me” he insists as he places the blade against his skin where his eyelid meets his nose.

He swiftly presses the blade on the tender skin, just enough to draw blood.
He stood in silence as the blood started dripping down his face.

Down his cheek like red syrup sticky against his skin.

And even with that, even with the blood on his face, the blood that keeps staining the room with its metallic scent, he still was beautiful and gracious and Dean can’t help himself but take a few steps forward to meet Sam mid-way.

“There’s just me now, Dean. Just me! Only me. Not Sammy or the Demon-blooded Freak. Just Sam. Accept me” he whispers in Dean’s ear and God he still smells like home and musk and love and acceptance and
... Like that Dean kisses his cheek; love and tenderness and affection along with blood and saliva and tears, mixing in their touch, while their racing heartbeats drown out the fear and the lamentations of the world for its possible demise, posing as noises…



~ Fin ~



Comments are LOVE.
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egotists: SPN → Won't let goegotists on May 31st, 2009 10:46 pm (UTC)
Awe you did great hon. Don't be silly<3

I really enjoyed this part
his voice as heavy as a tombstone.
with the approaching death and the irony of the comparison it was quite lovely. :)

-squish- +D We've influenced you to have slashing hints in your writing! -Fistpumps-
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektraforce_oblique on May 31st, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC)
Ahaha!
Thanks so much hun!
i am glad you enjoyed it!
i was certain it would suck big time and no one would comment on it! lol

Woot, yes thats what i thought!!

Yes you have.... =P
lady_eilthana: Is it september yet?lady_eilthana on May 31st, 2009 11:17 pm (UTC)
Awwww, I love that! The way you characterized them, the distance between them, Sam's guilt and how they can't cope with everything that has happened.

I especially liked all the metaphors and linguistic images which created a great atmosphere.

And the slight hints of Sam/Dean were just perfect.

*adds to memories*
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: Dean/Castielforce_oblique on June 1st, 2009 03:42 am (UTC)
Oh woot!
I am really glad yo liked it!
Thanks for commenting! :)
bitterbird on May 31st, 2009 11:32 pm (UTC)
this is fabulous darling!
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: sam winchester bitches!!force_oblique on June 1st, 2009 03:42 am (UTC)
Thanks so much Robyn.
I am glad you liked it.
I didn't know if it sucked, (which I think it obviously did), so thank you for commenting! ^_^
dhfreak: Supernaturaldhfreak on June 1st, 2009 04:41 am (UTC)
Wow. This was just intense. I love it. You capture Sam's emotions amazingly. I really can't wait for the new season now.
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: Vampire Diariesforce_oblique on June 1st, 2009 04:52 am (UTC)
Woot woot!
I am glad you liked it Mel because I was treading dangerous water there! lol
dhfreak: Dean/Annadhfreak on June 1st, 2009 04:56 am (UTC)
You know I always love your writing it's always amazing. :D
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: terminator TSCCforce_oblique on June 1st, 2009 05:01 am (UTC)
Awws thank you hun!
Thats such a nice thing to say!!
I'm off to work...ttyl! <3
(Deleted comment)
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: chairforce_oblique on June 1st, 2009 12:10 pm (UTC)
They are epic? XD
Seriously?
Thanks so much Jens!
I am really happy you liked it!
Kros_21kros_21 on June 1st, 2009 11:12 am (UTC)
OMG!!!!
I think this is one of my favorites!!!!
I so loved it hun!

I think 5x01 should be exactly like this!
I think you got the boys feelings and the awkardness between them perfectly.

and the end was so heartbreaking and sweet.

thanks a lot for this Kel. You're amazing bb!

*loves you*

Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: text: you made me one happy kellyforce_oblique on June 1st, 2009 12:15 pm (UTC)
Woot! ^_^
I am so glad you liked it hun.
I was afraid I was going to embarrass myself, trying to write this! lol

OMG yes, I would want some bitterness between the boys at first...because then it is sweeter when they get back together! lol
Thankies, I was a bit worried about the finale.. But it wasn;t graphic and Dean kissed him on the cheek..so it's not Dean/Sam exactly...the sequel though would be! Hahahahaha!

You are most welcome, I am just happy it made you smile! <3

ILY bb
crazytook on June 1st, 2009 03:30 pm (UTC)
so, not a fan of the wincesty stuff, but this wasn't too heavy with that. But, that aside, I think you had some great POVs going. Especially with the big upset being that it hurt Dean to think that Sam felt like he wasn't good enough. good job!
kudos!
crazytook
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: genevieveforce_oblique on June 1st, 2009 05:16 pm (UTC)
*g*
Yes, it wasn't too heavy because I am not a fan either.
This was only written for a friend of mine to cheer her up and put a smile on her face because she loves Sam/Dean and Jensen/Jared.

I am glad you liked it because it was like an experiment for me! lol
Thank you for commenting.
Tori Lovelostandalone22 on June 5th, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC)
Great story! I really like this.
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: brothers2force_oblique on June 7th, 2009 05:28 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much Tori!
I am glad you liked it!
It wasn't like blatantly Wincesty was it? =P lol
ckllckll on June 22nd, 2009 01:18 pm (UTC)
There is an intense poetic way you write, i love it.
Keep up!
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: jared is adorableforce_oblique on June 24th, 2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much Jasmine! <3
I am so glad you liked it since you are the expert on Sam/Dean! *g*
Melissa N. Tillotsonbrianshanelvr on October 21st, 2009 01:35 am (UTC)
Intense and beautiful in it's pain. Whole heatedly enjoyed!
Kelly (Kalliopi) aka Yllektra: spn dean sam hugforce_oblique on October 21st, 2009 03:30 am (UTC)
Thanks so much!
I am so glad you liked it! :)